What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
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Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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