never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You ruined the universe
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
