Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
