booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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