If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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