I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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