trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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