So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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