there's paper in my vomit.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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