Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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