this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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