i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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