I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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