i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
