Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
