I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
