there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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