Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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