omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
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you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
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In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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