who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
