Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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