just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
