I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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