i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
