That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
