Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize