Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
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And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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