There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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