If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I puked a lego.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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