my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
