Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Randomize
