drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
