sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize