Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
