Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
