your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
