I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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