i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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