y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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