Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
