Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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