Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
