Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
