Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
