i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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