I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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