Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
