I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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