u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
