Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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