This is not my ceiling
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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