i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
