You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
