woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
