Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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