I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
