First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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