i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
