I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
