I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
