ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Randomize
